Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Ah..makes sense now
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you