Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.