Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Miscakes
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street