Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
? 💀
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!