One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
You Might Also Like
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….