*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.