I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.