Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m awake but I object,
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
This is no longer winter this is harassment
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Finally! 😈
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)