“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will