This will never not be funny to me.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.