Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Mistakes were made
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Sorry not sorry.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.