The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
You Might Also Like
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Your secret is safeish with me
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Generation gap…
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?