I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Cheer up.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I have two kinds of followers
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him