My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Called it
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
my retirement plan is braless
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things