[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.