Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I created you as mosquito food.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.