“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes