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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.