We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The pasta is now
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.