sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Sending in my taxes
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’