Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.