April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here