Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
WTF IS THAT!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Food gives you energy to nap more.