My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
We need to put an American base on the sun
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs