Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN