Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The smoothest fall of all time
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.