marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock