the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Great game to play with friends
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!