9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Just me and my debit card against the world
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??