Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING