I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Um … Hot Wings please
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet