It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.