has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*