Mad Max: Furry Road
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.