The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I know karate and tons of other words.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
what could possibly go wrong?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars