Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Every photo I’m tagged in
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you