Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Nice try, NASA