Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Running from your problems is cardio .
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old