“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
ibopfufen
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.