they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
your honor my client chooses dare
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.