For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
estão todos miauvindo?