I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
why am I working on Labor Day
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely