WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.