[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You Might Also Like
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years