Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
May never get over this
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”