If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!