[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
pictures of spider-man
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.