Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.