I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
This made me chuckle.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed