me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”